My Mama

One night I had a dream that I was in the mall running from a psycho who was carrying a laptop! Despite that dream I decided to go into Hallmark on Saturday to pick up a knick-knack for my mother who was in the hospital. I thought maybe it would cheer her up after her tramatic week of illness. She had been at home and started feeling funny all over and unable to see out of one eye. We took her to the hospital. After several days she was transferred by ambulance to intensive care. One day 3 doctors walked into her room and told her they were going to send her home basically to die. Her cancer was back and more chemo and radiation would be too much for her 71 year old body.

She called me at work after the doctors had left and said her entire bed was shaking because she was so scared and desperately wanted someone to be with her. After several exhausting phone calls I was able to find a replacement for me and I drove the hours drive to be with her (I know it's hard to believe that there could be any replacement for me-but miracles do happen!)

So now after a couple of days of the news settling in - my mom was in a reflective state of mind and I thought she needed something to cheer her up. However it only took me 15 seconds in the Hallmark store to realize that I was in no state of mind to read the beautiful engraved poems written in calligraphy on thick glass mounted on wooden stands.

The tears started flowing (I know it-must have been a weak moment for me as i rarely cry!!haha) as I read the poems about mothers and life, partly because of the thought of her reading them knowing she was about to pass on and partly because of me thinking of all my memories with her.  I decided I had to get out of there-and quick considering the lack of kleenexes and my apparant lack of self control!

I grabbed a bookmark for $1.49 and headed for the counter hoping to avoid an explanation. I thought I might be in luck if the clerk was an impersonable, non-eye contact onery lady. I almost had it made until she handed me the receipt and saw my swollen eyes and puffy cheeks with tears streaming over them. I saw compassion flicker across her face or was it plain old curiosity? I didn't give her a chance to satisfy whatever it was-I darted out the door. I ran past Victoria Secrets without even a glance of longing for the sweet temptation lotion that I love. Past the chinese nail shop which brings such fond memories of last week & my first fake nail experience: "RELAX, RELAX!!! as he shakes my fingers up and down and rips my hands from their wrist sockets!

I made it to my car wondering why this is the "feel sorry for Leslie year". It started when my son failed Seminary AND PE!!! (How is this possible?--"Sorry Mr Foote, my mom is Jewish and won't buy me a Book of Mormon" and "Mrs Christensen, my mom NEVER goes to WalMart and so I don't have any black gym shorts".) Then my husband had shoulder surgery and decides he can't be a coal miner with a big blue brace covering 1/4 his body! "Its ok Leslie, we can live on half my income AND I will be home 24 1/2 hours a day!!!!"

Then my dad decides to depart in April at the same time as my annual spring St. George trip! Just kidding. I'm not saying his death inconvenienced my life but 3 months after his death he is still receiving life insurance offers; the military paperwork is still pending; the casket is going to be repossessed; the grass at the cemetery is brown; and the bank president froze his checking account because the military took back $1200 in payments due to non-proof of death!

So needless to say,  my state of mind in the last 3 months was ripe for disaster or at least for even more paranoia and lack of confidence!

The mind games that have been thrown through my head lead me to have a complete change of beliefs and actions. I have become even more paranoid and obsessive (As impossible as it may sound) with my friends and family. Yet with some things I have become laxidasical. You would think it would even out in some way due to the fact that I can now eat the tips of my fries where my fingers touched and I can shower with Lana's used towel; and even deposit my tooth flipper in their drinks without so much as a shudder! But alas I have succeeded in driving them crazy with my constant insecurities.

Why am I constantly wanting more? Constantly searching for more satisfaction, approval, love? Why can't I learn to be satisfied with what I have? They say it is human nature to crave more. For someone to want to be better and progress they must constantly seek new opportunities and options. That desire to want something different is supposed to be for our own good and for others'. BUT the key is- IN MODERATION and not to bother others incessantly! But I must have missed that part in Heaven. 

I just need to realize that when my friends say I am reading too much into something then QUIT READING and just enjoy the moment!! Or don't fall into the social media trap of someone elses picture having more likes than you. Just because I have 26 views of my blog with NO COMMENT doesn't mean that IT SUCKS.  It just means they don't want to hurt my feelings or they didn't have time or inclination to post one! And when someone says "I will always be here for you" Ishould make it so that they WANT to be here with me- instead of worrying they will leave. 

To my Mom:

Mama, I have come to understand and accept that our lives were brought together for a reason. It is your love that I needed to grow to my fullest potential. I have learned so much from you and over time have realized how much you have given to my life. Thank you for loving me, for being there always, and for guiding me through life. I love you & I will miss you terribly!